I have found myself sort of paralyzed in thought at times, struggling to do anything productive. I guess I feel that the thought process is somewhat productive, but it doesn't feel great to have days go by without anything to show for it... no great revelation, no progressive theories, no business ideas, no plan. Days are long when you don't have much on the agenda... day after day.
I had a little bit of a mourning period, I'll call it. Seems to be passing slowly but surely. I've been thinking about how I ended up where I am today and how much I have left behind. I call it mourning because I feel like I have lost time that I can not get back. Trying to reconcile every element of my past, how it all contributed to who I am today, how much of my life I have downplayed - the good and the bad; how to accept it all as part of me, rather than trying to deny certain moments; how I can take all of the pieces and everything I've learned and allow that to steer some of my decision making for the future. I started to get really hung up on a few things. It got to a point where I just started to tell myself over and over that I had to let it all go and just be where I am now. Not trying to actively accept or deny or reconcile or anything.
I've always had this problem where just thinking about things sort of satisfied my desire to do or say whatever is on my mind - without actually doing or saying anything. As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be someone other than who I was... so I'd kind of fantasize about being the person I wanted to be. Somehow just doing that helped me get through the times that I really was unhappy about myself... the feeling would pass for a time, and when it arose, I'd just go back to fantasizing. I am not sure why it didn't motivate me to actually do anything about it. More recently, while working in a field I had zero interest in being in, on slow days I would fantasize about being in the career I desired. And that would just get me through the day. And the next day. And the next week. And the next month. And the next year. I swear, I've fantasized half my life away. Time that might have been spent taking action towards these fantasies, making them a reality. You see why the need for mourning, right?!
I finally developed the awareness that I was doing this a few years ago now and just realizing it actually changed my life and provoked the sense of motivation that I never seemed to have. Over a period of time, I got involved in volunteer work, I took up pottery, I took a graduate level course that was in the field I desired, I quit drinking, I stopped watching so much TV, started practicing mindfulness meditation and Buddhism. (You can read a little bit about this while the changes were in progress - here.) The list goes on. The latest event being that I quit my job without another one lined up. I suppose it was a career I left, rather than just a job I quit... I was in a role I had worked up to over 6 years, through 4 promotions at the same company, making 80 grand a year at the time I left.
And here I am... finding myself sinking back in to some old habits. Of fantasizing about my future, allowing the days to pass on by, lacking the motivation to take the next step. Drinking a little bit more. Watching a little more TV. Just stuck, thinking. Not so much doing.
I know what I need to do, I've done it before. I know I have the tools to continue being productive and working towards my goals. Old habits die hard though, so they say. I keep saying to myself "tomorrow is another day" and "Okay, tomorrow I'll get some things done". How many times have we all done that? I can't keep letting time pass though because I know time is not a guarantee.
It's about 5 p.m. on a Friday. What can I do to take one step in the right direction?
To be continued...
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| Really stuck thinking... |
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