WHO I Am...?

Filling in the blanks after "I am... " has changed pretty drastically for me over the years. And there was a point in time that I couldn't fill it in with anything other than "...worthless."

The past few months I've been trying to articulate where I am in my life today.  It's been sharing my thoughts and feelings and questions and challenges and most importantly, being able to sit with it all.  Sitting with the unknown, the uncomfortableness and letting myself just be.  It's been an amazingly transformative experience.

But now I find myself in a place wondering who I am....

What is my story?  It has changed.  I have changed.  And I realized recently when I began meeting new people that I wasn't quite sure who I had become.  People ask questions and I don't know what I want my answers to be... or what my answers are: 

Why don't you drink anymore?
You don't have cable?! Why on earth would you do that?!
Why do you want to be a therapist?
What is important to you in a relationship?  What are your dealbreakers?

I know I don't owe people any answers and I don't feel obligated to divulge in the details but I do want to be open with people.  I want people to know me and be comfortable with me and understand me.  I'm meeting people that I want to know me - people in my class, potential romantic interests, etc. 

I feel so confident in myself and my decisions and my lifestyle at this time and it all happened because it felt right and it feels right.  But not being able to give a clear answer to some of these questions brings back a little self-consciousness. 

What do you do when you have a "past"?  How does that become part of your story?  How much do you leave out and how much do you keep in?  Who gets to hear it and who doesn't? 

It's a new challenge... but a worthwhile one.

Filling in the blanks after "I am..." and doing it honestly - with the good and the bad - is a powerful exercise.  It allows you to examine your life and decide where you want to see change.  I did this a little while back and it served as a springboard for all of the changes I made recently - by working towards the things I wanted to be able to say I am.  And moving away from the things that I was that I really didn't like.  And now I'm realizing it's probably worth doing once a year or so to keep yourself in check.  The key is being able to examine yourself honestly. 

Here is an amazingly inspirational story about someone who did something similar, in the form of writing two obituarties - one based on the life she was living and one for the life she wanted:  Roz Savage's Story

Congruency

I'm currently taking a Graduate-level course in counseling - "Counseling Theory and Practice I" to be precise.  This is something I have wanted to do for way too long and the ultimate goal is to actually apply and get accepted to a program towards a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology.

A description of the condition of CONGRUENCE by Carl Rogers in the context of the counselor/client relationship:

It has been found that personal change is facilitated when the psychotherapist is what he is, when in the relationship with his client he is genuine and without "front" or facade, openly being the feelings and attitudes which at that moment are flowing in him.  - Excerpt from On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy

Let me just ask... is it possible that the premise of my blog is, in a sense, synonymous with one of the foundations of effective psychotherapy (according to Rogers)?  At this moment, I am feeling like that might be the case... who knew!

"Where I Am" is about being present, becoming aware, and becoming CONGRUENT with my words, actions, etc. and pursuing a life that allows me to do so - in all aspects, not just as part of the pursuit to become a counselor.  I realize this is not a unique experience amongst people in general, but it is new for me and it is unique in the context of my life and experiences.  For this reason, I was struck by the irony of the concept of congruency and its timeliness in my first reading assignment for this class. 

What an amazing experience to actually feel like THIS is where I am supposed to be...

... THIS is where I am!  :)