WHO I Am...?

Filling in the blanks after "I am... " has changed pretty drastically for me over the years. And there was a point in time that I couldn't fill it in with anything other than "...worthless."

The past few months I've been trying to articulate where I am in my life today.  It's been sharing my thoughts and feelings and questions and challenges and most importantly, being able to sit with it all.  Sitting with the unknown, the uncomfortableness and letting myself just be.  It's been an amazingly transformative experience.

But now I find myself in a place wondering who I am....

What is my story?  It has changed.  I have changed.  And I realized recently when I began meeting new people that I wasn't quite sure who I had become.  People ask questions and I don't know what I want my answers to be... or what my answers are: 

Why don't you drink anymore?
You don't have cable?! Why on earth would you do that?!
Why do you want to be a therapist?
What is important to you in a relationship?  What are your dealbreakers?

I know I don't owe people any answers and I don't feel obligated to divulge in the details but I do want to be open with people.  I want people to know me and be comfortable with me and understand me.  I'm meeting people that I want to know me - people in my class, potential romantic interests, etc. 

I feel so confident in myself and my decisions and my lifestyle at this time and it all happened because it felt right and it feels right.  But not being able to give a clear answer to some of these questions brings back a little self-consciousness. 

What do you do when you have a "past"?  How does that become part of your story?  How much do you leave out and how much do you keep in?  Who gets to hear it and who doesn't? 

It's a new challenge... but a worthwhile one.

Filling in the blanks after "I am..." and doing it honestly - with the good and the bad - is a powerful exercise.  It allows you to examine your life and decide where you want to see change.  I did this a little while back and it served as a springboard for all of the changes I made recently - by working towards the things I wanted to be able to say I am.  And moving away from the things that I was that I really didn't like.  And now I'm realizing it's probably worth doing once a year or so to keep yourself in check.  The key is being able to examine yourself honestly. 

Here is an amazingly inspirational story about someone who did something similar, in the form of writing two obituarties - one based on the life she was living and one for the life she wanted:  Roz Savage's Story