Giving it up...
... and loving it.
"Giving WHAT up?", you might ask.
Well, a few things that have all but defined me for a good chunk of my life. Mostly renunciations, one or two circumstantial.
I gave up drinking January 1, 2011.
I gave up cable and TV all together at the end of March, 2011.
I gave up smoking weed somewhere around mid-April, 2011.
I haven't had sex in about 6 months - and this is the one that I was considering circumstantial, but it is in fact by choice now that I think about it.
And today I gave up Facebook.
If I quit my job, one might be inclined to say, "well, what the hell is left?", especially if you knew me.
And that is exactly why giving it all up has been the one of the best decisions I've made in my life. It is a little extreme, I won't argue with that. But as I cruise through my late-20's, rapidly approaching 30, and find myself single with no children I started wondering, "is THIS all there is?".
THIS = drinking, smoking, having sex, watching TV, creeping on Facebook, working (in no particular order! Though there were certainly times that that list wasn't so far off from my priority list...!)
I really wasn't doing much else. (I'm going to leave out the parts about how long this has been my life without much variation) Okay, I was eatting... which was usually accompanied by drinking... or done while in front of the TV. I got together with friends. But that just about always involved drinking. I spent time with family. But again... drinking usually involved. I go to the beach - drinking. I was dating someone for a while but that ended in the fall of 2010. Actually, I think that event sort of became a launch pad for all of this...
It literally got to the point - especially after I broke up with the ex (who, might I add, actually didn't drink - but that's another story for another day!) - that I didn't know what else to do with my time outside of work. Bored on a Saturday afternoon? I'd call a friend and we'd go out "day-drinking". Decide to stay in on a Friday night after a long week? I'd smoke a little and watch TV all night.
It just started to make me feel like crap... when I started to look at my life and realize what it was made up of. I have great friends and family, a great job - I've been pretty successful on that front, I have my own apartment. Things don't look so bad from the outside.
What do I like to do for fun? In my spare time? What are my hobbies? Drinking, watching TV, creeping on Facebook...? REALLY? I had actually been volunteering - which was amazing - but I stopped towards the end of that relationship because the stress was impacting my effectiveness as a rape crisis hotline counselor...! I need to get back to doing that though because I did love it, despite how tough it was at times.
I had a lot of other ideas of what I thought I might like to do too though. I just couldn't get myself motivated enough to do them, or even get back to volunteering. The usual (drinking, TV, etc... you follow?) was just so EASY.
So I just decided it was time for some serious change. I never made some big announcement saying "I hereby renounce this, this and this FOR LIFE". In fact, I really didn't tell anyone unless it came up. And to this day I haven't really had the mentality that any of it will be forever. That would just be too dramatic... not really my style.
So what have I done since giving it all up....
I discovered and have become enthralled with Buddhism (I was not brought up religious)
I've read about 5+ books (more than the last few years combined)
I bought a bike (it's just now getting nice enough to go out and ride it!)
I started painting/drawing again (the last time I did that I was in junior high)
I visited two museums (again, more than probably the last 10+ years combined)
I've caught up on some great movies and documentaries (Netflix - but I only get one movie at a time so it's impossible to over-do it. I kept my TV - just never hooked it up to a cable line!)
I joined a gym and started working out (which I hadn't done in about two years)
I started this blog!
One of my previous posts was about habits. I realized my life was being guided by habit. A bunch of bad habits. Not a whole lot of good habits in there. The overarching goal for me lately has been to develop new habits and new ways of thinking.
Will I ever drink again? Well, yes, I've already had a drink (champagne at a spa and wine during a weekend vaca to the Cape) but it hasn't been about completely restricting myself as if something terrible will happen if I don't. Will I ever pay for cable again? Well, that one probably not. Will I ever get back on FB? Yes, I will. As for sex - I said in the beginning I thought it was circumstantial because I have not been dating anyone new. But we all know that you don't have to be dating someone to sleep with them... so that has definitely been a choice to refrain from having sex with someone without being in a relationship.
This has been an experiment/exercise for me to do things consciously... with intent. Not because I don't know what else to do. Or because its just "what people do" or what I've always done. Or because I've had a few drinks and I'm not acting with clear judgement. I want to live my life with intent and be mindful in the things I do with my life. I need there to be more to life than what was there for me previously and so far, my experiment is proving to be effective for me.
As I wrap up this post, it reminded me of the talk from Brene Brown that I posted about recently - about The Power of Vulnerability. She closes her talk with four points about living life that sound short and sweet but I am finding are actually incredibly challenging but equally rewarding - she suggests we let ourselves be deeply, vulnerably seen; love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee; practice gratitude and joy; and believe we are enough. Certainly words to live by, if you ask me!
I must add, right now the simple fact that I am in a place where I can focus on these things is kind of amazing, considering the path I've traveled over the years. :)
