This poor girl... just can't get it together. Can't find her place in the world... how sad. She has so much ambition, so much good intention. But the world is paved with good intentions, right. She just can't get over her damn self. She needs to get over her self. Sitting there crying over her past while washing dishes... mid-afternoon on a Tuesday because, well, get this, she decided to up and quit her job to pursue some undecided passions! And now it's been over a month and this is what she's doing with her time... crying over her past and fretting over the future. But really just here in the present, frozen with indecision. Her therapist told her to be gentle on herself... let herself grieve a little. Grieving... time... tenderness. And then what? She's got so much bottled up inside herself she's bursting with years of stifled self-expression. Years of denying her own reality. Now it's all up to her... her life is up to her. This is what she wanted, this was her decision. She wanted to take responsibility for her life and now she's crying over it.
Yep, that's what I'm saying. So I'm going to sit and cry over it, let it out, get it out of my system. There's too much I've laughed off, that I've drowned with drinks, deflected by focusing on other peoples lives, avoided with working hard at a job that wasn't for me. I've buried myself so deep, there was no sign of me for a while. As I've slowly but surely started to dig myself out, I've had to get through the layers that were oh-so-effective at keeping ME down there, buried so deep. Sometimes I think I've gotten through one layer and start chipping away at the next one but then I hit that other layer again... I thought I already broke through that one. I can almost see myself but it's been so long. It almost seems like what it must feel like to see a long lost friend... maybe someone you were once best friends with, who you knew so well and thought you'd be inseparable from forever and ever. Then life happens and you start to lose touch even though you promised you never would ... until years and years go by and you realize you've completely lost touch... you don't even know if you'd recognize each other if you ran in to each other. Would you have anything in common still? What if you feel like complete strangers? Or will it seem like no time at all has passed? The anticipation of wondering if probably the worst part. I think that's where I am...
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