Pity Party

I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself today.  Whether it's warranted or not, I am letting it happen... not really trying to shake off the emotion like I've done many times in the past when I feel this way.  Here's what I am saying to myself:

This poor girl... just can't get it together.  Can't find her place in the world... how sad.  She has so much ambition, so much good intention.  But the world is paved with good intentions, right.  She just can't get over her damn self.  She needs to get over her self.  Sitting there crying over her past while washing dishes... mid-afternoon on a Tuesday because, well, get this, she decided to up and quit her job to pursue some undecided passions!  And now it's been over a month and this is what she's doing with her time... crying over her past and fretting over the future.  But really just here in the present, frozen with indecision.  Her therapist told her to be gentle on herself... let herself grieve a little. Grieving... time... tenderness.  And then what?  She's got so much bottled up inside herself she's bursting with years of stifled self-expression.  Years of denying her own reality.  Now it's all up to her... her life is up to her.  This is what she wanted, this was her decision.  She wanted to take responsibility for her life and now she's crying over it. 

Yep, that's what I'm saying.  So I'm going to sit and cry over it, let it out, get it out of my system.  There's too much I've laughed off, that I've drowned with drinks, deflected by focusing on other peoples lives, avoided with working hard at a job that wasn't for me. I've buried myself so deep, there was no sign of me for a while.  As I've slowly but surely started to dig myself out, I've had to get through the layers that were oh-so-effective at keeping ME down there, buried so deep.  Sometimes I think I've gotten through one layer and start chipping away at the next one but then I hit that other layer again... I thought I already broke through that one.  I can almost see myself but it's been so long.  It almost seems like what it must feel like to see a long lost friend... maybe someone you were once best friends with, who you knew so well and thought you'd be inseparable from forever and ever.  Then life happens and you start to lose touch even though you promised you never would ... until years and years go by and you realize you've completely lost touch... you don't even know if you'd recognize each other if you ran in to each other.  Would you have anything in common still?  What if you feel like complete strangers?  Or will it seem like no time at all has passed?  The anticipation of wondering if probably the worst part.  I think that's where I am...

Surrender

Surrender... this word makes me think of defeat.  Which is a little bit of a downer.

I decided to look this one up in the dictionary, which I don't always do... here's what it says:

1. (transitive) To give up into the power, control, or possession of another; specifically (Military) to yield (land, a town, etc.) to an enemy.
2. (intransitive or reflexive) To give oneself up into the power of another, especially as a prisoner; to submit or give in to.

         Source: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/surrender

I had a conversation with one of my good friends today.  We always have really good conversations about all kinds of things... life, love, the world around us, aspirations, etc.  Today it was about a guy she is seeing.  It's one of those situations that started off with the intent, by both people, to be fun and free, no expectations, no commitment and that was all fine and good.  But a few months go by and you can guess where things end up!  

The conversation got into how we go about conveying our feelings and emotions in a relationship, staying true to ourselves and such.  We are not so young... we are both hovering around 30.  Her guy is a bit younger - mid-twenties. So it was a lot of over-analyzing, assuming and trying to guess what the guy is thinking or how he will react.  It was a lot of listening to my friend talk through her carefully crafted ideas of how to talk to this guy and get him to respond in the way she wants. 

All this fueled by past relationships and situations she had been in.  She wanted the fun and free because she is working toward some goals and in the past had let guys dominate her time and energy and while she wanted some companionship she was adamant about not letting it become a priority right now.  She also had  some relationships where she was taken advantage of.  Others where guys ran off when she opened up.  

And now she's struggling to craft her responses and actions and behavior to avoid all of the past situations from happening again with this guy.  

I bring this up because it makes me wonder about two ideas - surrendering to our past and surrendering to a moment, in the present. 

Do you think my friend has inadvertently (or maybe completely knowingly) surrendered to her past?  Allowing her past to control her current actions and behaviors?  She tries to separate herself, but it's a conscious effort, asking herself, "what would I do, how would I respond, if I didn't have all these things happen to me in the past?".

Should we allow ourselves to surrender to a moment, and stay firmly rooted in the present?  Letting go of the past and all of the things that make us feel jaded.  Letting the present moment, second only to our truest self and cherished values, power our thoughts and behaviors and reactions?  Is this even possible?

What is the balance between the past and the present?  Must we surrender to one or the other? 

 

Stuck Thinking...

So it's been a month since I left my job to do some self-discovery and pursue a different career path.  The last few weeks have just drifted on by without a whole lot of progress, I have to admit.  The days have kind of blended together and it hasn't helped at all that we are approaching the shortest days of the year.  Nice timing on my part...!

I have found myself sort of paralyzed in thought at times, struggling to do anything productive. I guess I feel that the thought process is somewhat productive, but it doesn't feel great to have days go by without anything to show for it... no great revelation, no progressive theories, no business ideas, no plan.  Days are long when you don't have much on the agenda... day after day.

I had a little bit of a mourning period, I'll call it.  Seems to be passing slowly but surely.  I've been thinking about how I ended up where I am today and how much I have left behind. I call it mourning because I feel like I have lost time that I can not get back.  Trying to reconcile every element of my past, how it all contributed to who I am today, how much of my life I have downplayed - the good and the bad; how to accept it all as part of me, rather than trying to deny certain moments; how I can take all of the pieces and everything I've learned and allow that to steer some of my decision making for the future.  I started to get really hung up on a few things. It got to a point where I just started to tell myself over and over that I had to let it all go and just be where I am now.  Not trying to actively accept or deny or reconcile or anything.

I've always had this problem where just thinking about things sort of satisfied my desire to do or say whatever is on my mind - without actually doing or saying anything.  As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be someone other than who I was... so I'd kind of fantasize about being the person I wanted to be.  Somehow just doing that helped me get through the times that I really was unhappy about myself... the feeling would pass for a time, and when it arose, I'd just go back to fantasizing.  I am not sure why it didn't motivate me to actually do anything about it.  More recently, while working in a field I had zero interest in being in, on slow days I would fantasize about being in the career I desired.  And that would just get me through the day.  And the next day.  And the next week.  And the next month.  And the next year.  I swear, I've fantasized half my life away.  Time that might have been spent taking action towards these fantasies, making them a reality.  You see why the need for mourning, right?!

I finally developed the awareness that I was doing this a few years ago now and just realizing it actually changed my life and provoked the sense of motivation that I never seemed to have.  Over a period of time, I got involved in volunteer work, I took up pottery, I took a graduate level course that was in the field I desired, I quit drinking, I stopped watching so much TV, started practicing mindfulness meditation and Buddhism. (You can read a little bit about this while the changes were in progress - here.) The list goes on.  The latest event being that I quit my job without another one lined up.  I suppose it was a career I left, rather than just a job I quit... I was in a role I had worked up to over 6 years, through 4 promotions at the same company, making 80 grand a year at the time I left.

And here I am... finding myself sinking back in to some old habits.  Of fantasizing about my future, allowing the days to pass on by, lacking the motivation to take the next step.  Drinking a little bit more.  Watching a little more TV.  Just stuck, thinking.  Not so much doing.

I know what I need to do, I've done it before.  I know I have the tools to continue being productive and working towards my goals.  Old habits die hard though, so they say.  I keep saying to myself "tomorrow is another day" and "Okay, tomorrow I'll get some things done".  How many times have we all done that?  I can't keep letting time pass though because I know time is not a guarantee.

It's about 5 p.m. on a Friday.  What can I do to take one step in the right direction?

To be continued...

Really stuck thinking...

Mindfulness for Introverts

This article definitely provides some insight on why I've been struggling a little bit despite my efforts to stay mindful and even struggling to make meditation a regular practice!

Excerpt from "Mindfulness for Introverts" Published on May 5, 2011 by Sophia Dembling in The Introvert's Corner:

Mindfulness doesn't necessarily come easily to the busy introvert mind.

 

Do you ever find that when you have something churning in your head--especially a worry--allowing yourself to just fall into the whirlpool of thoughts is easier than fighting them? That keeping thoughts at bay requires huge exertion?

Introverts may be quiet people in a noisy world, but we're also internally noisy, and that's not mindfulness. More like full-mindedness.  Read the full article...

Drop the Story!

One of the first practices/lessons I heard when I started learning about Buddhism was "drop the story".

The "story" is referring to the ones we tell ourselves that start with one thought about one specific event (or situation, conversation, etc.) that then manifests itself in to this big elaborate story that is entirely in our head.

For me, it's alot of the "what if..." scenarios and over-analyzing the outcomes of situations.  Another scenario is what I tend to think of as day-dreaming... something sparks a thought, a memory, a fantasy... and all of sudden I am lost in that thought and it is consuming all of my mental capacity in that moment.  So I'll be driving (usually to work, where I am on auto-pilot anyways), in a meeting, or just home, wherever... and my mind is just ALL over the place... but certainly not present in the moment.  And it's because of the damn stories!

So once I started reading more about mindfulness, meditation and Buddhism and the "drop the story" theme was pretty omnipresent, I realized quickly that I would very likely benefit from practicing it.

I am really starting to understand how these stories impact how we handle situations in life and even how we comprehend situations.  We get so caught up in the story we create, we lose sight of what actually IS.  It then ends up impacting how we handle similar events in the future and ultimately prevents us from being present and experiencing life as it IS.

I came across a great talk by Brene Brown that speaks to the power of vulnerability but it ultimately boils down to the same theme - "drop the story!"

Changing Habits... with a little help from The Buddha

The Buddha once said:

Abandon what is unskillful.  One can abandon the unskillful.  If it were not possible, I would not ask you to do it.  If this abandoning of the unskillful would bring harm and suffering, I would not ask you to abandon it.  But as it brings benefit and happiness, therefore I say, abandon what is unskillful.

Cultivate the good.  One can cultivate the good.  If it were not possible, I would not ask you to do it.  If this cultivation were to bring hard and sufferig, I would not ask you to do it.  But as this cultivation brings benefit and happiness, I say, cultivate the good.

This quote is referring rather specifically to developing integrity on a spiritual path - by distinguishing the habits and influences in the mind between those that lead to love and awareness (skillful) and those that reinforce false seperation (unskillfull).  From the book: Loving-Kindness by Sharon Salzberg

Deep, I know!

But I am reading this book at a time when I'm not quite so far into my spiritual path so all of the talk of love and awareness is still a little abstract for me.  That said, this message can be interpreted rather literally, outside of the spiritual context. 

For me, it serves as a good reminder, and almost a boost of confidence, that bad habits can be changed. And when I do change them, it will feel good! So many times I, and I'm sure many others, feel like we'll never be able to break a bad habit.  Or develop new good habits.  From eatting, to relationships, to whatever else!  It is always so difficult to change bad habits even when we know they are bad and develop new, good ones even when we know it will help us! 

So if you get discouraged, I suggest reading this - sometimes you just need a little reminder!

The Native American Tale of Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

-Author Unknown

This is an amazing lesson but also a great challenge.  Everybody faces this battle - call it the angel and the devil on your shoulder or call it the two wolves.  The challenge is the same. 

I first read this story in the book Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron - it is in the first chapter.  The practice of feeding the right wolf takes courage and commitment - it requires being present and open to facing fears and discomfort.  A challenge, indeed.

Happiness

What a subjective state of being - happy. 

The first time I went to the Shambhala Meditation Center of Boston, I attended their weekly open house.  I walked in so open-minded and ready to soak up as much new information as I could in the two-hour session, which included meditation instruction and a dharma talk.  The talk focused on compassion and how it leads us on a path to happiness.  At that time, I did not realize how central this theme is in Buddhist teachings. 

One of the statements the leader of the talk made was that all beings share the same motivation in life, which is to be happy. And that all of our actions in life are done with the ultimate goal of leading us to happiness.  I posed the question, "Is it over presumptuous to state that all beings share this goal of happiness?".  I was thinking of cultural differences and genuinely wondering if it can indeed be assumed that all beings strive for happiness.  I was also thinking outside of the context of Buddhist teachings, which I now know are based on the goal of attaining true happiness.  Across the world and all of its different cultures and subcultures - are all beings really living with the ultimate goal of happiness?  Are there people that do not know what happiness means?  Or what it looks like?  Does it matter how people define happiness?   If one has never been exposed to happiness, how can one strive to achieve it?  So many questions! 

These questions remain for me but I seem to be getting closer to having a better understanding of where the leader of this talk was coming from and also a better understanding of how to respond to such questions.  I am reading Loving-Kindness:  The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg.  I got the title from suggestions listed on a page for "Beginners" on the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center website.  As I wrap up chapter 2, I am longing for a deeper understanding of happiness as it is understood in various populations across the world.  The reason is because true happiness, and the path to attaining it, is defined in such a convincing way within Buddhist teachings, I can't help but wonder if there are equally or more convincing definitions and paths.  As described by Salzberg:

The basis of the Buddha's psychological teaching is that our efforts to control what is inherently uncontrollable cannot yield the security, safety and happiness we seek.  By engaging in a delusive quest for happiness, we only bring suffering upon ourselves.  In our frantic search for something to quench our thirst, we overlook the water all around us and drive ourselves into exile from our own lives.

We may look for that which is stable, unchanging, and safe, but awareness teaches us that such a search cannot succeed.  Everything in life changes.  The path to true happiness is one of integrating and fully accepting all aspects of our experience.

Salzberg goes on to describe how this philosophy is represented in the Taoist symbol of yin yang.

In the midst of the dark area is a spot of light, and in the midst of the light area is a spot of darkness.  Even in the depths of darkness, the light is implicit.  Even in the heart of light, the dark is understood, acknowledged, and absorbed.  If things are not going well for us in life and we are suffering, we are not defeated by the pain or closed off to the light.  If things are going well and we are happy, we are not defensively trying to deny the possibility of suffering.  This unity, this integration, comes from deeply accepting darkness and light, and therefore being able to be in both simultaneously.

WOW!  I mean, how can you argue with that!  This post comes just a moment after checking my feed from Psychology Today and seeing this article: The Hidden Side of Happiness, posted just 2 days ago.  This article couldn't better exemplify the excerpts above from Salzberg's book.  The article speaks to the idea of "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger" and a new area of study, post-traumatic growth.  But what this article really ends up describing is that post-traumatic growth is realizing the path to true happiness by integrating and fully accepting all aspects of our experience. 

So here I am, utterly amazed really.  Amazed by the timing of things I think.  The connection of my first experience at the Shambhala Center, the book that I essentially randomly selected from a list of about 20 or so, and the recent article I happened to catch on Psychology Today.  And the connection of all of this to a life-long desire to study and practice psychology paired with a lingering desire to learn about Buddhism... with essentially zero exposure to either.  And how it is all fitting together nicely lately. :)

So, is happiness subjective?  True happiness?  I'm not sure...

Where I am

Where I am.... well, you may be wondering what I mean by this.  It is not a question, like, "Where am I?" but more of a statement, "Where I am".  I've been doing a decent amount of reading recently over the last few months.  There is a theme that has been pretty consistent in what I've been reading, and that is the idea of being present. 

Sounds like such a simple idea but as I've read more about it and given it more thought, I've realized it is a concept with quite a bit of depth.  It's still a brand new concept for me and I am still figuring out what it really means and how to really do it - to be present.  Present in conversations, in daily tasks, at work.  Of course physically I am present, but am I REALLY present most of the time?  How often are we distracted by our thoughts without even realizing it?

Next time you are driving, getting ready for work, or having a casual conversation... take a moment to stop and think about what you are actually doing, and I can be almost certain that you aren't thinking about driving, getting ready for work or what you are actually having a conversation about.  Your mind is likely elsewhere, far off from the actual task at hand.

"So what?", you may ask. It seems natural to get lost in our own thoughts.  Story of my life... being lost in my own thoughts.  I am a thinker, big time!  But after I started to pick up on this theme, I came across the concept of mindfulness, which is, as I understand it, the practice of being present, simply put.  And mindfulness practice has been described to me over and over as a way to see myself and others as they truly are, view myself and others with less judgement and preconceptions, live a life of joy and happiness; and stress and pain (emotional and otherwise, I suppose) reduction is just a bonus byproduct.  I don't know about anyone else, but I was instantly intrigued by the concept. 

The suggestions I recieved on how to start practicing mindfulness, or being present, is to just start where you are. And if you get off track, just start again where you are. 

So, THIS is Where I Am.