Pity Party

I'm having a bit of a pity party for myself today.  Whether it's warranted or not, I am letting it happen... not really trying to shake off the emotion like I've done many times in the past when I feel this way.  Here's what I am saying to myself:

This poor girl... just can't get it together.  Can't find her place in the world... how sad.  She has so much ambition, so much good intention.  But the world is paved with good intentions, right.  She just can't get over her damn self.  She needs to get over her self.  Sitting there crying over her past while washing dishes... mid-afternoon on a Tuesday because, well, get this, she decided to up and quit her job to pursue some undecided passions!  And now it's been over a month and this is what she's doing with her time... crying over her past and fretting over the future.  But really just here in the present, frozen with indecision.  Her therapist told her to be gentle on herself... let herself grieve a little. Grieving... time... tenderness.  And then what?  She's got so much bottled up inside herself she's bursting with years of stifled self-expression.  Years of denying her own reality.  Now it's all up to her... her life is up to her.  This is what she wanted, this was her decision.  She wanted to take responsibility for her life and now she's crying over it. 

Yep, that's what I'm saying.  So I'm going to sit and cry over it, let it out, get it out of my system.  There's too much I've laughed off, that I've drowned with drinks, deflected by focusing on other peoples lives, avoided with working hard at a job that wasn't for me. I've buried myself so deep, there was no sign of me for a while.  As I've slowly but surely started to dig myself out, I've had to get through the layers that were oh-so-effective at keeping ME down there, buried so deep.  Sometimes I think I've gotten through one layer and start chipping away at the next one but then I hit that other layer again... I thought I already broke through that one.  I can almost see myself but it's been so long.  It almost seems like what it must feel like to see a long lost friend... maybe someone you were once best friends with, who you knew so well and thought you'd be inseparable from forever and ever.  Then life happens and you start to lose touch even though you promised you never would ... until years and years go by and you realize you've completely lost touch... you don't even know if you'd recognize each other if you ran in to each other.  Would you have anything in common still?  What if you feel like complete strangers?  Or will it seem like no time at all has passed?  The anticipation of wondering if probably the worst part.  I think that's where I am...

Surrender

Surrender... this word makes me think of defeat.  Which is a little bit of a downer.

I decided to look this one up in the dictionary, which I don't always do... here's what it says:

1. (transitive) To give up into the power, control, or possession of another; specifically (Military) to yield (land, a town, etc.) to an enemy.
2. (intransitive or reflexive) To give oneself up into the power of another, especially as a prisoner; to submit or give in to.

         Source: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/surrender

I had a conversation with one of my good friends today.  We always have really good conversations about all kinds of things... life, love, the world around us, aspirations, etc.  Today it was about a guy she is seeing.  It's one of those situations that started off with the intent, by both people, to be fun and free, no expectations, no commitment and that was all fine and good.  But a few months go by and you can guess where things end up!  

The conversation got into how we go about conveying our feelings and emotions in a relationship, staying true to ourselves and such.  We are not so young... we are both hovering around 30.  Her guy is a bit younger - mid-twenties. So it was a lot of over-analyzing, assuming and trying to guess what the guy is thinking or how he will react.  It was a lot of listening to my friend talk through her carefully crafted ideas of how to talk to this guy and get him to respond in the way she wants. 

All this fueled by past relationships and situations she had been in.  She wanted the fun and free because she is working toward some goals and in the past had let guys dominate her time and energy and while she wanted some companionship she was adamant about not letting it become a priority right now.  She also had  some relationships where she was taken advantage of.  Others where guys ran off when she opened up.  

And now she's struggling to craft her responses and actions and behavior to avoid all of the past situations from happening again with this guy.  

I bring this up because it makes me wonder about two ideas - surrendering to our past and surrendering to a moment, in the present. 

Do you think my friend has inadvertently (or maybe completely knowingly) surrendered to her past?  Allowing her past to control her current actions and behaviors?  She tries to separate herself, but it's a conscious effort, asking herself, "what would I do, how would I respond, if I didn't have all these things happen to me in the past?".

Should we allow ourselves to surrender to a moment, and stay firmly rooted in the present?  Letting go of the past and all of the things that make us feel jaded.  Letting the present moment, second only to our truest self and cherished values, power our thoughts and behaviors and reactions?  Is this even possible?

What is the balance between the past and the present?  Must we surrender to one or the other? 

 

Word of the Day

My "Word of the Day" posts are inspired by a set of cards called "Angel Cards".  You can use them in any way you like - they are meant to bring inspiration and depth to your life and relationships. They have been very thought-provoking for me so I thought it would fun and helpful (for me and you!) to share them here from time to time, along with some thoughts!

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Willingness

I feel like the word I pick randomly each day is just perfect!

Today's word is: willingness.

Earlier this afternoon, I listened to a free Q&A Teleconference (yeah, that's the first time I've heard of such a thing too, at least that didn't involve my job!) with Whitney Johnson and the topic was "Be the Hero of Your Own Story". She is the author of a book, Dare, Dream, Do: Remarkable Things Happen When You Dare to Dream.

She gave some great advice about how to take the first steps towards pursuing our dreams.  Most of her advice centered around the idea of willingness - to being open, to give ourselves permission, to risk failure, to accept ourselves as we are, believe in our potential, face some of our fears.  We have to be willing to be vulnerable. These things rarely come natural to us so we must be willing to do them!

For some reason there is a common feeling that we are not privileged enough to pursue our dreams.  I've felt this way myself, like "what makes me so special that I get to pursue my dreams and other can't?"  I don't know where this comes from but it's just a story we tell ourselves with no real validity. We need to try and drop the stories we tell ourselves, be willing to take some risks and go for it!

Dare to dream!

What are you willing to do today to help you take that first or next step towards a goal?  Even if not some big, life-changing dream - maybe it's just pursuing a new hobby that you're not sure you'll be good at.  Are you willing to at least find out?  So what if you aren't good at?  You may still enjoy it and if nothing else you learned something new about yourself!  

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Stuck Thinking...

So it's been a month since I left my job to do some self-discovery and pursue a different career path.  The last few weeks have just drifted on by without a whole lot of progress, I have to admit.  The days have kind of blended together and it hasn't helped at all that we are approaching the shortest days of the year.  Nice timing on my part...!

I have found myself sort of paralyzed in thought at times, struggling to do anything productive. I guess I feel that the thought process is somewhat productive, but it doesn't feel great to have days go by without anything to show for it... no great revelation, no progressive theories, no business ideas, no plan.  Days are long when you don't have much on the agenda... day after day.

I had a little bit of a mourning period, I'll call it.  Seems to be passing slowly but surely.  I've been thinking about how I ended up where I am today and how much I have left behind. I call it mourning because I feel like I have lost time that I can not get back.  Trying to reconcile every element of my past, how it all contributed to who I am today, how much of my life I have downplayed - the good and the bad; how to accept it all as part of me, rather than trying to deny certain moments; how I can take all of the pieces and everything I've learned and allow that to steer some of my decision making for the future.  I started to get really hung up on a few things. It got to a point where I just started to tell myself over and over that I had to let it all go and just be where I am now.  Not trying to actively accept or deny or reconcile or anything.

I've always had this problem where just thinking about things sort of satisfied my desire to do or say whatever is on my mind - without actually doing or saying anything.  As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be someone other than who I was... so I'd kind of fantasize about being the person I wanted to be.  Somehow just doing that helped me get through the times that I really was unhappy about myself... the feeling would pass for a time, and when it arose, I'd just go back to fantasizing.  I am not sure why it didn't motivate me to actually do anything about it.  More recently, while working in a field I had zero interest in being in, on slow days I would fantasize about being in the career I desired.  And that would just get me through the day.  And the next day.  And the next week.  And the next month.  And the next year.  I swear, I've fantasized half my life away.  Time that might have been spent taking action towards these fantasies, making them a reality.  You see why the need for mourning, right?!

I finally developed the awareness that I was doing this a few years ago now and just realizing it actually changed my life and provoked the sense of motivation that I never seemed to have.  Over a period of time, I got involved in volunteer work, I took up pottery, I took a graduate level course that was in the field I desired, I quit drinking, I stopped watching so much TV, started practicing mindfulness meditation and Buddhism. (You can read a little bit about this while the changes were in progress - here.) The list goes on.  The latest event being that I quit my job without another one lined up.  I suppose it was a career I left, rather than just a job I quit... I was in a role I had worked up to over 6 years, through 4 promotions at the same company, making 80 grand a year at the time I left.

And here I am... finding myself sinking back in to some old habits.  Of fantasizing about my future, allowing the days to pass on by, lacking the motivation to take the next step.  Drinking a little bit more.  Watching a little more TV.  Just stuck, thinking.  Not so much doing.

I know what I need to do, I've done it before.  I know I have the tools to continue being productive and working towards my goals.  Old habits die hard though, so they say.  I keep saying to myself "tomorrow is another day" and "Okay, tomorrow I'll get some things done".  How many times have we all done that?  I can't keep letting time pass though because I know time is not a guarantee.

It's about 5 p.m. on a Friday.  What can I do to take one step in the right direction?

To be continued...

Really stuck thinking...

Sex in the news...

There are a few stories in the news lately that are troubling me:

There's the General Petraeus resignation... the now-cliché story of a powerful man taken down by a sex scandal.  And aside from an affair being cited for the resignation, the timing is also being questioned because he was supposed to be part of key testimony for the Benghazi trial. 

Then as I was looking for the latest on that story, I came across accusations against Sesame Street and Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash alleging an inappropriate relationship with underage male. And the BBC sex scandal. I'll go as far to call these two cliché too, after the many stories of child sex abuse i.e. Catholic priests and Penn State/Sandusky.

Must I say anything about the recent election and the topic of reproductive health and rape?

And we have the Zumba Prostitution Scandal, as it is being referred to in the news. Also not so unfamiliar.

Also the story we've all seen on the 11 o'clock news if you've ever watched it - the man-jumps-out-of-nowhere-late-at-night-or-in-broad-day-light-to-attack-a-woman story, like this one being reported in Boston.

I'll also throw in the fact that the number of registed sex offenders is increasing (although I have heard arguments debating the reasons behind the increase).

WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THIS!?

While all these stories are very different - they are all tied together by SEX.  There are also so many more stories that I haven't included that are part of the same thread but these are the ones that I've been seeing and hearing about recently.

But really, what do we make of all this?  I can barely wrap my head around it all. 

Are these issues unique to the US?  If not, how are they handled, included how/if they are reported (and/or glamorized) in other countries? 

How do we explain these things to our children? 

What can we take and learn?  Is change possible? 

What is the role of morality (personal and cultural/societal) in these stories?

These are the stories of today, but they are far from new and I can sadly say with confidence that it won't be the last time we see more like them. 

Forgiveness

Today is a beautiful autumn day in New England - as well as Veterans Day - and it's as good of a day as any to think about forgiveness.

Forgiving others is a challenging thing to do, but important in allowing us to let go, move on and foster positive energy for ourselves and those in our life. 

But sometimes equally (or maybe more!) challenging and necessary is to forgive ourselves, too.  It seems common that we put so much pressure on ourselves to succeed, to be better, to look better, to have more, to do more... leaving us with a constant feeling of inadequecy or failure.  Or maybe we have faultered in our relationships or in upholding our values in some way.  Why not leave a little room for failure and faults? I know, what terrible words, why should anyone accept failure and faults?!  But if we don't accept where we are, we can't learn and grow, we can't move on.  So I think we should be gentle on ourselves, forgive ourselves, and recognize - dare I say, accept - where and when we may faulter.  When we do this we can start where we are, reflect on where we have been and move forward. 

Today is a beautiful, new day. Consider the idea of accepting where you've been and where you are, consider forgiving yourself.  Only after self-acceptance can we find the space to learn and grow. 

Forgive yourself - free your mind!

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