Forgiveness

Today is a beautiful autumn day in New England - as well as Veterans Day - and it's as good of a day as any to think about forgiveness.

Forgiving others is a challenging thing to do, but important in allowing us to let go, move on and foster positive energy for ourselves and those in our life. 

But sometimes equally (or maybe more!) challenging and necessary is to forgive ourselves, too.  It seems common that we put so much pressure on ourselves to succeed, to be better, to look better, to have more, to do more... leaving us with a constant feeling of inadequecy or failure.  Or maybe we have faultered in our relationships or in upholding our values in some way.  Why not leave a little room for failure and faults? I know, what terrible words, why should anyone accept failure and faults?!  But if we don't accept where we are, we can't learn and grow, we can't move on.  So I think we should be gentle on ourselves, forgive ourselves, and recognize - dare I say, accept - where and when we may faulter.  When we do this we can start where we are, reflect on where we have been and move forward. 

Today is a beautiful, new day. Consider the idea of accepting where you've been and where you are, consider forgiving yourself.  Only after self-acceptance can we find the space to learn and grow. 

Forgive yourself - free your mind!

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Oh, family....

Family.  We all have them - family members - in some sense of the word.  Some people we consider family because we are so close to them even if we are not actually related in the traditional sense.  Other people we are actually related to yet we can't get far enough away from them. 

Today is my nephew's 7th birthday. 

I've been disagreeing with my mother alot lately - she doesn't really understand my life choices.  My sister (said nephew's mother) and I tend to connect only when it's about the kids and otherwise we don't see eye to eye on much.  I like her husband but we still don't know eachother very well.  Then there's her ex-husband, said nephew's father, who I have known for a very long time but I do not like or respect him.  Then there's his new wife.  And can't forget my dad, who I do get along with but in a distant, infrequent kind of way.  His wife, who is very sweet and again... get along with somewhat distantly.  My mom is decent to my dad and his wife but there's lots of tension behind the scenes. And my younger sister, who I am actually best friends with and we share all of the same sentiments I've stated here.

Yet we all come together for my nephew's (there's actually three nephews all together), or my niece's, birthday.  It's usually just this group of us.  Once or twice I've brought a boyfriend.  Sometimes my sister's new husband's mother or brother (and his family) are there.

It's alot of shallow conversation.  It's alot of "How's work?".  Alot of focusing our attention on the kids to avoid conversation with each other.  Sometimes there's gossip if some chunk of the group described is missing. 

This is my family.  I want us to be closer.  I want us to be more open.  I want there to be less of this tension and shallow connection.  Don't we all crave close connections, especially with family?  Does anyone else in my family feel the same way?  How do we break the cycle that has been going on for years and years and decades really.  What can I do?    

Courage

Today's word of the day is: courage.

This is a word I've heard alot lately - I quit my job without another one lined up and people have been calling me "courageous".  I know this is a compliment but I wonder what does it really take to be considered courageous?  To me, getting out of a situation where I was very unhappy in order to fully pursue what makes me happy does not seem too courageous.  I think something that takes courage involves some known risk, fear or danger and moving forward anyways, right?  The risk I think other people see in my situation is giving up comfort, security and income that a steady job provides and dealing with some "unknowns".  For me, the risk of staying in the job was higher than the risks of leaving.  Being called courageous seems more fit for more valiant acts of bravery (for example, those people that saved others during Hurricane Sandy this past week!!) than leaving behind a bad job situation to pursue personal happiness and freedom!  I guess there is different levels of courage too though.  I do think people should celebrate their feats of bravery and courage, no matter how big or small. I'm curious to hear what others think...

What does courage mean to you?  Share some examples of a courageous act - either your own or someone else. 

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Depth



Today's word of the day is: depth.

With the election quickly approaching and fresh on my mind, I am realizing the depth of my knowledge of many of the issues is, well, somewhat shallow. 

I consider myself aware and somewhat knowledgeable of the political landscape but the reality is, is that most of my exposure to the issues are via the smear campaigns that fill all of the network TV commercial spots, the debates, posts on my Facebook feed and some conversation with friends.  With the election just days away now, I am scrambling to research the issues to make sure I understand them before I cast my vote. 

Where do you get your information on the political candidates and issues?  Do you feel like you have an in-depth knowledge of the issues?

I think depth is an important personal quality to strive for - whether it is depth of knowledge, relationships, curiousity, enthusiasm, emotion and the list goes on.  Life moves so quickly and sometimes we miss out on experiencing things in much depth but to take the time and effort to do so, I believe, improves the quality of our knowledge, relationships, etc. etc. and life in general!

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Giving it up...

I actually wrote this post in May 2011 but for some reason didn't post it at that time. 


Giving it up...

... and loving it.

"Giving WHAT up?", you might ask.

Well, a few things that have all but defined me for a good chunk of my life. Mostly renunciations, one or two circumstantial.

I gave up drinking January 1, 2011.

I gave up cable and TV all together at the end of March, 2011.

I gave up smoking weed somewhere around mid-April, 2011.

I haven't had sex in about 6 months - and this is the one that I was considering circumstantial, but it is in fact by choice now that I think about it.

And today I gave up Facebook.

If I quit my job, one might be inclined to say, "well, what the hell is left?", especially if you knew me.

And that is exactly why giving it all up has been the one of the best decisions I've made in my life. It is a little extreme, I won't argue with that. But as I cruise through my late-20's, rapidly approaching 30, and find myself single with no children I started wondering, "is THIS all there is?".

THIS = drinking, smoking, having sex, watching TV, creeping on Facebook, working (in no particular order! Though there were certainly times that that list wasn't so far off from my priority list...!)

I really wasn't doing much else. (I'm going to leave out the parts about how long this has been my life without much variation) Okay, I was eatting... which was usually accompanied by drinking... or done while in front of the TV. I got together with friends. But that just about always involved drinking. I spent time with family. But again... drinking usually involved. I go to the beach - drinking. I was dating someone for a while but that ended in the fall of 2010. Actually, I think that event sort of became a launch pad for all of this...

It literally got to the point - especially after I broke up with the ex (who, might I add, actually didn't drink - but that's another story for another day!) - that I didn't know what else to do with my time outside of work. Bored on a Saturday afternoon? I'd call a friend and we'd go out "day-drinking". Decide to stay in on a Friday night after a long week? I'd smoke a little and watch TV all night.

It just started to make me feel like crap... when I started to look at my life and realize what it was made up of. I have great friends and family, a great job - I've been pretty successful on that front, I have my own apartment. Things don't look so bad from the outside.

What do I like to do for fun? In my spare time? What are my hobbies? Drinking, watching TV, creeping on Facebook...? REALLY? I had actually been volunteering - which was amazing - but I stopped towards the end of that relationship because the stress was impacting my effectiveness as a rape crisis hotline counselor...! I need to get back to doing that though because I did love it, despite how tough it was at times.

I had a lot of other ideas of what I thought I might like to do too though. I just couldn't get myself motivated enough to do them, or even get back to volunteering. The usual (drinking, TV, etc... you follow?) was just so EASY.

So I just decided it was time for some serious change. I never made some big announcement saying "I hereby renounce this, this and this FOR LIFE". In fact, I really didn't tell anyone unless it came up. And to this day I haven't really had the mentality that any of it will be forever. That would just be too dramatic... not really my style.

So what have I done since giving it all up....

I discovered and have become enthralled with Buddhism (I was not brought up religious)

I've read about 5+ books (more than the last few years combined)

I bought a bike (it's just now getting nice enough to go out and ride it!)

I started painting/drawing again (the last time I did that I was in junior high)

I visited two museums (again, more than probably the last 10+ years combined)

I've caught up on some great movies and documentaries (Netflix - but I only get one movie at a time so it's impossible to over-do it. I kept my TV - just never hooked it up to a cable line!)

I joined a gym and started working out (which I hadn't done in about two years)

I started this blog!

One of my previous posts was about habits. I realized my life was being guided by habit. A bunch of bad habits. Not a whole lot of good habits in there. The overarching goal for me lately has been to develop new habits and new ways of thinking.

Will I ever drink again? Well, yes, I've already had a drink (champagne at a spa and wine during a weekend vaca to the Cape) but it hasn't been about completely restricting myself as if something terrible will happen if I don't. Will I ever pay for cable again? Well, that one probably not. Will I ever get back on FB? Yes, I will. As for sex - I said in the beginning I thought it was circumstantial because I have not been dating anyone new. But we all know that you don't have to be dating someone to sleep with them... so that has definitely been a choice to refrain from having sex with someone without being in a relationship.

This has been an experiment/exercise for me to do things consciously... with intent. Not because I don't know what else to do. Or because its just "what people do" or what I've always done. Or because I've had a few drinks and I'm not acting with clear judgement. I want to live my life with intent and be mindful in the things I do with my life. I need there to be more to life than what was there for me previously and so far, my experiment is proving to be effective for me.

As I wrap up this post, it reminded me of the talk from Brene Brown that I posted about recently - about The Power of Vulnerability. She closes her talk with four points about living life that sound short and sweet but I am finding are actually incredibly challenging but equally rewarding - she suggests we let ourselves be deeply, vulnerably seen; love with our whole hearts even though there is no guarantee; practice gratitude and joy; and believe we are enough. Certainly words to live by, if you ask me!

I must add, right now the simple fact that I am in a place where I can focus on these things is kind of amazing, considering the path I've traveled over the years. :)

Love-making (not sex?!) sells???

While I don't have TV in my apartment, I do have a subscription to People magazine.  As soon as I opened the latest issue, I must admit, I was rather appalled at a two-page Dolce & Gabbana cologne ad that highlights a guy's "package"... (okay, I'm not going to pretend I don't like a little eye-candy but REALLY???  Maybe for an underwear ad... but cologne?!)... ->>>

...so I flip past and catch up on my celeb gossip and about half way through the mag, I was pleasantly surprised to see a two-page ad for KY (the sex lubricant) highlighting "America's Top Couple" winners with the following caption:

"What makes a couple stand out?  For our annual content, we asked America to find that special relationship built on communication, trust, and intimacy.  Out of thousands of submissions, this winning couple embraced all of those qualities and so much more." 

At a time when casual sex, affairs, celebrity break-ups and countless other scenarios of low-moral-value are nothing short of glamorized, it is refreshing to see a well-known brand championing committment.  KY could easily grab attention in any number of ways, being a sex product, but they chose not to - potentially to their detriment, considering how well "sex sells".  When's the last time you heard "romantic, committed love-making sells"?! 

Seeing this ad and other campaigns such as Dove's highly successful Real Beauty campaign (which, ironically enough, was the next to last ad in this issue - something I realized after I posted this!) give me a glimmer of hope that our future generations will get a different prominent message than the morally-devoid sexuality that permiates pop culture today. 

My foray in to art... being presented for the first time. Eek! Practice makes perfect, right?  I hope so!  (Just a fair warning - there is some nudity included so please view at your discretion)