Risk

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

— Anaïs Nin

"I'm sick of the bar scene"

I first dabbled in online dating back in 2005, WAY before it was socially acceptable to admit.  I'm not even sure it is today?  Anyways, I did it then and I am doing it again now.  And it has me thinking on this rainy Saturday morning.  Pretty much every profile I read says something along the lines of:

I never thought I would do online dating but I am sick of the bar/club scene so here I am

Are drinking establishments and the internet really the only two options people consider viable meeting places for potential partners?  REALLY? 

I'm not sure which seems like more of a risk - meeting people while either both or one of you is intoxicated and displaying some watered down (or over-exaggerated, depending on what kind of drunk you/they are) version of yourselves...

OR...

the internet, where everyone puts their ideal versions of themselves in 3000 characters or less, which inevitably leads to disappointment on both sides. 

I'm inclined to read back in history or take a survey of older generations to see how they met their partners.  And maybe take a survey in other countries too.  Because being 20-something and living around Boston since I entered my 20's - this is all I have been exposed to in terms of how to meet new people... drinking establishments and the internet.  There was college and there is work - but in both, the social aspect of each always involved a drinking establishment.  And I don't go to church.  And I know there are these social activity clubs but where do you find people for those... on the internet. 

Maybe I just need to accept the times we live in today.  I definitely need to find a hobby, I suppose.  But I'd really prefer to understand all of the alternatives too.  If there are any...

Changing Habits... with a little help from The Buddha

The Buddha once said:

Abandon what is unskillful.  One can abandon the unskillful.  If it were not possible, I would not ask you to do it.  If this abandoning of the unskillful would bring harm and suffering, I would not ask you to abandon it.  But as it brings benefit and happiness, therefore I say, abandon what is unskillful.

Cultivate the good.  One can cultivate the good.  If it were not possible, I would not ask you to do it.  If this cultivation were to bring hard and sufferig, I would not ask you to do it.  But as this cultivation brings benefit and happiness, I say, cultivate the good.

This quote is referring rather specifically to developing integrity on a spiritual path - by distinguishing the habits and influences in the mind between those that lead to love and awareness (skillful) and those that reinforce false seperation (unskillfull).  From the book: Loving-Kindness by Sharon Salzberg

Deep, I know!

But I am reading this book at a time when I'm not quite so far into my spiritual path so all of the talk of love and awareness is still a little abstract for me.  That said, this message can be interpreted rather literally, outside of the spiritual context. 

For me, it serves as a good reminder, and almost a boost of confidence, that bad habits can be changed. And when I do change them, it will feel good! So many times I, and I'm sure many others, feel like we'll never be able to break a bad habit.  Or develop new good habits.  From eatting, to relationships, to whatever else!  It is always so difficult to change bad habits even when we know they are bad and develop new, good ones even when we know it will help us! 

So if you get discouraged, I suggest reading this - sometimes you just need a little reminder!

Easter

Easter is approaching this coming weekend. Today, while completely distracted at work, I was wondering: what on earth is the connection between pastel colored eggs, candy, a bunny and the resurrection of Christ and the term Easter.  The rest of the typical holidays are a little more straightforward... this one, not so much. 

Why is it called Easter?

• The exact origins of this religious feast day's name are unknown. Some sources claim the word Easter is derived from Eostre, a Teutonic goddess of spring and fertility. Other accounts trace Easter to the Latin term hebdomada alba, or white week, an ancient reference to Easter week and the white clothing donned by people who were baptized during that time. Through a translation error, the term later appeared as esostarum in Old High German, which eventually became Easter in English 1

Where did Easter Rabbits and Eggs Comes From?

• The symbols of the Norse Goddess Ostara were the hare and the egg. Both represented fertility. From these, we have inherited the customs and symbols of the Easter egg and Easter rabbit.
• Dyed eggs also formed part of the rituals of the ancient, pre-Christian Babylonian mystery religions. "The egg as a symbol of fertility and of renewed life goes back to the ancient Egyptians and Persians, who had also the custom of coloring and eating eggs during their spring festival." 2
• "Like the Easter egg, the Easter hare came to Christianity from antiquity. The hare is associated with the moon in the legends of ancient Egypt and other peoples....Through the fact that the Egyptian word for hare, UM, means also "open" and "period," that hare came to be associated with the idea of periodicity, both lunar and human, and with the beginning of new life in both the young man and young woman, and so a symbol of fertility and of the renewal of life. As such, the hare became linked with Easter...eggs." 2
• Christian tradition states that when Mary Magdalene visited Emperor Tiberias (14 - 37 CE), she gave him a red egg as a symbol of the Resurrection -- a symbol of new life. Some believe that the Christian tradition of giving eggs to each other at Easter time came from this event. 3

How did a bunch of stuff with such scattered origins become a main staple of what is, apparently, the biggest Christian holiday?  Am I the only one baffled by this?  I'm afraid to do the same research on Christmas, which I have yet to do.

Sometimes, like now, I think that maybe it's better not to question things so much!

1 http://www.history.com/topics/history-of-easter
2 "Easter," Encyclopedia Britannica
3 "Feasts and Saints of the Orthodox Church: July 22," Orthodox Church in America, at: http://www.oca.org/

A Lesson from the Lost Boys of Sudan

I watched this movie last night - God Grew Tired of Us: The Story of Lost Boys of Sudan.  This clip of portions of the movie captures a perspective that I think is unrealized by many people. 



What a fresh, raw look at American cultural norms.  So many things we just accept as normal without question.  These men are nothing short of admirable - from their will to survive as young boys escaping Sudan to their motivation to succeed when resettled in America, despite the continuous challenges.  All while maintaining a sense of humor.

This movie encourages me to reevaluate my own judgements and preconceptions about both American and foreign cultures; and to continue to feed my cultural awareness.  Not to mention how much more I appreciate the stability in my life.

More Disillusionment... of Parents, Role Models, etc.

I'm not sure how common this is, but I can't imagine that it is uncommon:  the disillusionment of your parents, your role model, mentor or someone you look up to. At some point, you realize they aren't as all-knowing, trustworthy, perfect, can-do-no-wrong, etc. as you - as a kid, or even as an adult - thought they were.  Maybe some people are actually as all-knowing as they seem.  On the other hand, sometimes you never realize they aren't. 

What do you do when you become disillusioned by someone you look up to?  Someone you thought had all the answers, someone that you trusted and depended on for guidance.  Where do you turn?  How do you make sense of it?

I'm still searching for the answers myself.  It is a recent experience for me, as a grown adult, and while I have the intellect and resources to get on with life just fine, it almost feels like a loss that I need to grieve and come to terms with.  Realizing the limitations of a significant influence in my life at a time when I am eager to learn and grow is extremely difficult.  I know I can get the guidance and information I crave elsewhere, but I will need to seek it out, and it won't be coming from someone I have known and trusted my entire life. 

I try to look at this experience for what it is - disillusionment, the loss of illusion, the loss of naive faith and trust.  The illusion that this one person would guide me through an entire lifetime was unrealistic.  Had I not realized this, I myself may have been limited in personal growth had I accepted the illusion that this person was all-knowing.

I know I have the intellect and resources to get on with life just fine, but what about those that do not?  What about people that lose the person or people that they depend on for guidance and then find themselves lost?  I hope to be able to help someone, or some people, in that situation some day. 

Disillusionment & Dishonesty

disillusionment: to lose naive faith and trust

This is a terrbile feeling.  It is very similar to disappointment, which is defined as "failing to meet the expectation or hope of".  But disillusionment seems to leave a deeper feeling of emptiness and loss than disappointment.  While it usually doesn't feel good, becoming disillusioned generally leads to  being able to see truth - literally, losing the illusion. 

One of the biggest disillusionments for me was realizing that people are not always honest.  I always understood that people lie and I had even lied myself - so I was actually well aware that people are not always honest.  But I think maybe I thought lying was limited to situations where it wouldn't really matter, or when no one would really know the difference. 

I didn't think people lied about being honest.  Like, by saying "I'm telling you the truth, you can trust me".  Except what they are telling you and asking you to believe is actually not the truth, it is a lie. 

This is very disillusioning and really impacted how I percieve people and situations.  I now tend to look at a situation as a whole rather than a particular piece of information, I guess to see if all the pieces fit together.  I have to admit this has been quite helpful in recognizing the truth, or at least recognizing some inconsistency, which usually leads to uncovering the truth. 

I am careful not to let myself be consumed by distrust because of this though.  There have been times where I've been in full-on detective mode.  But today, I feel I have a general level of trust but continue to look at situations as a whole rather than hanging on one word, one conversation, one event when it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. 

The reason I share this is because although realizing people have the capacity to be dishonest, even when it matters, completely disillusioned the idea that people are generally good and honest, it has also given me a perspective to see situations for what they are.  Whether someone is lying or telling the truth about something, you have to be able to take everything you know about the situation and trust your judgement on how to respond or proceed.  Easier said than done, I know.  And I'll admit, this is usually most effective in hindsight, unfortunately. 

I see so many of my friends and family get hung up on one little thing that is said or done and allow it to define an entire situation - sometimes the one little thing is the lie, and other times its the rest of the situation that is the lie.  Either way, it usually turns out that once we take the entire situation in to consideration, the inconsistency becomes apparent and only then can we address it and move on. 

The question then becomes... when is it appropriate to forgive dishonesty?  That'll be a topic for another day :)

Realizing Habits

How many aspects of our lives could be considered a habit?  To me, a habit is some behavior or thought that we have engaged in or experienced so repetitively that we continue to do it without much thought. 

The reason I bring this up is because I surprised myself at some of my habits once I actually realized they were habits.  The challenge now has been breaking old habits and creating new ones. 

A few of the habits I realized:

• Drinking wine, and alcohol in general, WHENEVER it was available
• Watching TV, regardless of what was on it
• Procrastination and avoidance of trivial things like mailing back a Netflix movie
• Thinking about doing and wanting but rarely executing or pursuing
• Thinking that the above list wasn't hindering progress in other areas of my life!

Now, there are of course plenty of other habits I have like stopping for coffee before work, throwing my keys on the counter when I walk in the house and so on.  This short list shows the ones that were most limiting for me and that I have been focused on changing. 

At a certain point over the last year or so, I started getting frustrated at how fast time was passing and how little progress I was making towards living the life I wanted.  During this time, I started to look at what I was doing with my life, piece by piece.  And tried to examine my life as it is today, compared to the life I was longing for.  This was not an easy exercise and I should add that I had the support of a therapist and career coach during this time period (both who are amazing and I owe so much to!). 

Taking a conscious look at what I was doing and how I was thinking on a day-to-day basis and comparing that to what I really wanted, and realizing that they did not match up at all, was just the motivation I needed to start making some changes. 

Writing things down was a huge help in this exercise - writing down my frustrations, my goals and even "to-do" lists for daily tasks.  What I found was that I tend to get overwhelmed when I feel like I have too many things to focus on - from "bigger picture" things to small trivial things - and thats when some of those habits in the list would kick in.  Recognizing that and developing new habits for dealing with being overwhelmed has been an amazing, life-changing challenge. 

Different people have all kinds of different habits.  I wonder how many people are aware of their habits and how they might be impacting their life or the lives of others around them - for better or for worse.  I also wonder what makes some people motivated to recognize and change habits and what makes others remain "set in their ways".

The Native American Tale of Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’

-Author Unknown

This is an amazing lesson but also a great challenge.  Everybody faces this battle - call it the angel and the devil on your shoulder or call it the two wolves.  The challenge is the same. 

I first read this story in the book Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron - it is in the first chapter.  The practice of feeding the right wolf takes courage and commitment - it requires being present and open to facing fears and discomfort.  A challenge, indeed.

Happiness

What a subjective state of being - happy. 

The first time I went to the Shambhala Meditation Center of Boston, I attended their weekly open house.  I walked in so open-minded and ready to soak up as much new information as I could in the two-hour session, which included meditation instruction and a dharma talk.  The talk focused on compassion and how it leads us on a path to happiness.  At that time, I did not realize how central this theme is in Buddhist teachings. 

One of the statements the leader of the talk made was that all beings share the same motivation in life, which is to be happy. And that all of our actions in life are done with the ultimate goal of leading us to happiness.  I posed the question, "Is it over presumptuous to state that all beings share this goal of happiness?".  I was thinking of cultural differences and genuinely wondering if it can indeed be assumed that all beings strive for happiness.  I was also thinking outside of the context of Buddhist teachings, which I now know are based on the goal of attaining true happiness.  Across the world and all of its different cultures and subcultures - are all beings really living with the ultimate goal of happiness?  Are there people that do not know what happiness means?  Or what it looks like?  Does it matter how people define happiness?   If one has never been exposed to happiness, how can one strive to achieve it?  So many questions! 

These questions remain for me but I seem to be getting closer to having a better understanding of where the leader of this talk was coming from and also a better understanding of how to respond to such questions.  I am reading Loving-Kindness:  The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg.  I got the title from suggestions listed on a page for "Beginners" on the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center website.  As I wrap up chapter 2, I am longing for a deeper understanding of happiness as it is understood in various populations across the world.  The reason is because true happiness, and the path to attaining it, is defined in such a convincing way within Buddhist teachings, I can't help but wonder if there are equally or more convincing definitions and paths.  As described by Salzberg:

The basis of the Buddha's psychological teaching is that our efforts to control what is inherently uncontrollable cannot yield the security, safety and happiness we seek.  By engaging in a delusive quest for happiness, we only bring suffering upon ourselves.  In our frantic search for something to quench our thirst, we overlook the water all around us and drive ourselves into exile from our own lives.

We may look for that which is stable, unchanging, and safe, but awareness teaches us that such a search cannot succeed.  Everything in life changes.  The path to true happiness is one of integrating and fully accepting all aspects of our experience.

Salzberg goes on to describe how this philosophy is represented in the Taoist symbol of yin yang.

In the midst of the dark area is a spot of light, and in the midst of the light area is a spot of darkness.  Even in the depths of darkness, the light is implicit.  Even in the heart of light, the dark is understood, acknowledged, and absorbed.  If things are not going well for us in life and we are suffering, we are not defeated by the pain or closed off to the light.  If things are going well and we are happy, we are not defensively trying to deny the possibility of suffering.  This unity, this integration, comes from deeply accepting darkness and light, and therefore being able to be in both simultaneously.

WOW!  I mean, how can you argue with that!  This post comes just a moment after checking my feed from Psychology Today and seeing this article: The Hidden Side of Happiness, posted just 2 days ago.  This article couldn't better exemplify the excerpts above from Salzberg's book.  The article speaks to the idea of "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger" and a new area of study, post-traumatic growth.  But what this article really ends up describing is that post-traumatic growth is realizing the path to true happiness by integrating and fully accepting all aspects of our experience. 

So here I am, utterly amazed really.  Amazed by the timing of things I think.  The connection of my first experience at the Shambhala Center, the book that I essentially randomly selected from a list of about 20 or so, and the recent article I happened to catch on Psychology Today.  And the connection of all of this to a life-long desire to study and practice psychology paired with a lingering desire to learn about Buddhism... with essentially zero exposure to either.  And how it is all fitting together nicely lately. :)

So, is happiness subjective?  True happiness?  I'm not sure...

Where I am

Where I am.... well, you may be wondering what I mean by this.  It is not a question, like, "Where am I?" but more of a statement, "Where I am".  I've been doing a decent amount of reading recently over the last few months.  There is a theme that has been pretty consistent in what I've been reading, and that is the idea of being present. 

Sounds like such a simple idea but as I've read more about it and given it more thought, I've realized it is a concept with quite a bit of depth.  It's still a brand new concept for me and I am still figuring out what it really means and how to really do it - to be present.  Present in conversations, in daily tasks, at work.  Of course physically I am present, but am I REALLY present most of the time?  How often are we distracted by our thoughts without even realizing it?

Next time you are driving, getting ready for work, or having a casual conversation... take a moment to stop and think about what you are actually doing, and I can be almost certain that you aren't thinking about driving, getting ready for work or what you are actually having a conversation about.  Your mind is likely elsewhere, far off from the actual task at hand.

"So what?", you may ask. It seems natural to get lost in our own thoughts.  Story of my life... being lost in my own thoughts.  I am a thinker, big time!  But after I started to pick up on this theme, I came across the concept of mindfulness, which is, as I understand it, the practice of being present, simply put.  And mindfulness practice has been described to me over and over as a way to see myself and others as they truly are, view myself and others with less judgement and preconceptions, live a life of joy and happiness; and stress and pain (emotional and otherwise, I suppose) reduction is just a bonus byproduct.  I don't know about anyone else, but I was instantly intrigued by the concept. 

The suggestions I recieved on how to start practicing mindfulness, or being present, is to just start where you are. And if you get off track, just start again where you are. 

So, THIS is Where I Am.